Dear Holy God Praising People,
Take a deep breath with me…..inhale 1…2…3… (hold) 1….2….3….. exhale 1…2…3.
September 23rd, 2017 has come and gone- the world didn’t end. Armageddon didn’t come! Whoever came up with that prophecy is a complete liar. Luckily, I’m here to tell you the Sept. 23rd, 2017 ending of the world was a farce and whoever made this claim, mixed up the date with the true date of Armaggedon- Oct. 1, 2017. I’m so distraught to inform you of this, tears are streaming down my face and onto my shirt.
On Oct. 1, 2017, the orange giant star- Delta Fyreballsobright- will be releasing a gigantic mass of radioactive chikin tendurs, big maks, slopee slirpees, & cellular debris. The coming of this debris was actually foretold in the ancient scripture- Book of Genesis. Pastor Jim I’swearnokidbentuched reminds us all in a statement:
“As stated in Book of Genesis: There shalt be an orange giant who holds public office. During his first stay, a giant orange glowy thing will vomiteth the filthiest of debris upon the Earth- and serveth the people high cholesterol. Flaming chikin tendurs and stale big maks will scorch the land and maketh the babies cry. The end will be big, angry- poor for your health- and final.”
This debris will hurdle towards the Earth at 1,000,000,000 lights years per second, and inevitably drain the entire Earth of all remaining brain cells. Astronomers from the University of Ya’ll People Are Smart, all agree that the end is coming soon. Professor of Astrophysics, Iluk Indasky, stated, “the chaotic debris will be so immense, fast, and aggressive- the Earth will inevitably turn into an inferno. An inferno that will explode into a million tiny miniature blazing hell islands.”
Take heed to the unanimously agreed upon statements by top science and religious professionals. All signs are pointing to the end of the world on Sept. 27, 2017.
Now I know all of you are scared, but let me interest you in something you’ll need- life insurance. When everyone on Earth’s creation dies a tragic death, you certainly want to be insured so that future generations will be protected. I can get all of you started on the most excellent new plan- Dis Cash Fur You Kid- for just 1 easy payment of $1 trillion. The money given to those inheriting your life insurance will equal $1 million. You will not find a better deal in such dire times.
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Make the right move! Be insured for the end!
Your favorite fella,